Could have been’s… should have been’s…. and what if’s

As we go through life, we make decisions. We make them all day long, toast or cereal, coffee or tea.. phone them back or wait.

Some decisions have more depth to them, often at the time we may not think  so. An off the cuff remark to someone that was blurted in haste  is an example. Or a un-thought-out reply to an e-mail so quickly made. We can’t out think every decision, some must be made quickly based on instinct, reaction or information available. 

But years later some will haunt us.

That boy you brushed off.. The girl you laughed at to be “one of the gang” but secretly loved. The e-mail sent in anger, without thought. Watching a phone ring but not answering it….  Not seeing signs of something serious a call for help.

Oh and so many more.

You look back and think what if.

Would love have been found? Would I be rich now? Would a life have been saved…..

A lost friend not lost? 

A memory that haunts you when you are trying to sleep?

Some just plague us, they are really not too serious. You just wonder if your life would be richer if you had done it differently.

Some will keep us from sleep as it is mulled over and over. Regret being a tormentor that never rests.

Well, sometimes it is not too late, oh years may have passed and the person may have forgotten it completely. Perhaps it was just something you regretted saying and wish you hadn’t, the friendship still exists or it is a family member you see often.. but that one comment you regret making…  *Grins*… talk it over now. Yup, you can do it. Perhaps it bothered them maybe it didn’t. But either way when you show how you regret it, they will feel your sincerity and maybe give you a hug.. and then that regret will turn to a fonder memory, and put torment to rest.

It is true with other things as well, that hastily sent e-mail can still be undone, carefully worded with honesty will show you care.

Or phone that boy up and say whats up. Or the girl you laughed at and wish you hadn’t. Bring her a flower and a little grin, tell her how you feel and how sorry you are.

Somethings are easily fixed, though we think they aren’t. But time passes and some can’t be undone.

Somethings are too late, *nods* but lessons are learned. We can’t be perfect all the time, most of us, after all, are just human. They can’t be changed now, it is just too late. We regret it all and wish we hadn’t, but something has happened and now it just can’t be fixed.

So tell yourself this, you made a mistake, you wish you hadn’t but you did.

Could have been’s… should have been’s…. and what if’s… you can’t let them torment you, they are history now. Look in the mirror, and smile at yourself, shake your finger at that human part of you.. no one is perfect, done is done, the lesson was learned.

Dwelling on the past is not good for the future, not healthy or productive or friendly to you. Easy to say, but so important for some. Take a breath and begin  anew.

no matter how terrible it may have been. You have to let it go.

Perhaps Someone reached out to you and you just didn’t notice………………………… *nods sadly* *whispers I am sooo sorry*  but you can’t see it all… some regrets… they are just more terrible… the things that are lost may be a life.  Someone reaching out and grasping at air… for you didn’t notice their silent plea.  Looking back signs may be clear to you now, but at the time they just eluded you… but we are only human. It cant be changed. You have to move on as terrible as you feel. Move on, perhaps allow it to shape you. Learn from it, grow from it. 

I did.

When you see what you missed with so much remorse. The tools you then needed you just didn’t have. The knowledge, experience just were not there….  We are only human, *nods* all of us. Instead of letting it haunt and claim you, torment your sleep. Maybe you will move on and learn from it. Obtain what you were missing, the knowledge, the experience. Make it a goal, a challenge. Oh, but not an obsession, no not that please. But something healthy, maybe that shapes your future. Oh I know it sounds like a riddle. But maybe you can take those new tools and that head full of knowledge… and then when those silent pleas whisper out.. you will be there, ready and aware. 

I did.

And then when they dance across your now expanded sight, those quiet whispering’s from someone so tormented, the pleas for help, instead of a regret far in your future, this time a soul may be saved… oh what that feels like. The happiness the joy the euphoric  feeling of accomplishment. Knowing this time a difference was made… a soul saved, a life restored.

I did.

So what I am saying, or rambling on about… somethings are never too late to change, so take a look, take that fist step you may be surprised.. a hug may be waiting for you and there is nothing like it.

And for those those that are too late to change.. well it has happened, it is done, move on, learn from it if you can… but let it go.

I did.

*looks up and quietly whispers*… I miss you so, I wish I had seen and accept that I didn’t. But I have learned now and made a pledge, my eyes are now open and I watch with care *points to my wall filling with letters* my knowledge expanding, so thank you for that. I will change what I can and know it won’t be all. But I am only human and will do my best. You live in my thoughts but no longer with sadness for you are a part of me that will continue and grow with me.. helping others and saving what we can.

now… *looks at you*, if you happen to perchance have stumbled across this and have read all these words and are still with me. Some thoughts happen, they sneak in your head. Please if they do, don’t let them fester. If you can’t shake them back out and toss them away. Reach out.. but make noise please. Silence is wonderful, but not now. Stand on a chair and scream and yell. Fight those thoughts and let someone help. *Looks at you again and nods with a smile* no matter what those thoughts are, how they are twisting, working and messing you up… open your eyes and look around.

Someone is waiting with eyes that are open. Someone will help you sort them out. But you have to make noise and reach out. A squeak a whisper something to start it. *nods* please not a silent plea……. you can let someone have the feeling of euphoria when it is your soul that they save. Oh you may think that no one cares… but you are wrong you see.. because I care, and I don’t even know you. So reach out, don’t give in. give it a try, let someone help.

Don’t leave a teenage girl wondering why she didn’t see something.. and fill her with regret.




About sensuousamberville

I am a Practitioner, teacher and student. I think we should always be students, we should keep our minds open, to continue to learn. :-) Now a mother of two little ones.

5 responses »

  1. *smiling* So very nicely written there amber.. *nods my head lots*

    Might I be so kind to say, a person can make as much noise as they want, but others have to be listening too.. *smiling*

    *hugs ya* cause I want to, and cause I can..

  2. oh amber, the emotion in this post is flowing off my screen. I know how an event shaped your future, and how it drives you to be the best of the best. I think you will be too, I have seen you at work. You are the “go to” person, for anyone that feels distress, and in most cases you already seem to know. Your magic is so powerful, and your love of life so determined. Life is precious, I hope if anyone has dark thoughts they reach out, not everyone can read minds.

    love you

  3. Katie (transplanted)

    This seemed a very personal post…and…the way you wrote it…parts were hard to read. The effect was … powerful is not the word I am thinking of…but ..somber? urgent? silent? sorrowful? All those I think.

  4. Thank you amber for a wonderful post. *hugs you softly* You are so special and have already accomplished so much. God bless you.

    love always,



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