Grief… loss… the silent suffering of the ones left behind.

Life has a beginning, and an end, we know this, but who wants to think about it. We all have to leave at some point, as sad as that is. Leave behind our friends and loved ones.

How do they cope with this. 

There are various models that have studied the way we feel, or how we cope with a loved ones passing. This applies to friends too, because they are loved ones as well.

The stages of grief. 

There are in some models more stages, the simplest is five. Everyone will deal with them differently too, some linger on each stage more, some jump back and forth, or deal with two or more stages at the same time.

So why analyze  this?

Because it does help to know what you feel, is normal, or felt by others, what you can expect… and when concerns should surface for lingering too long in one area. 

 1) SHOCK, DENIAL.  Shock is normal, we are surprised, even if we are expecting it… somewhat. We are overwhelmed with emotions. So we deny it, this buffers those emotions. It helps us deal with the first wave of pain we experience. 

 2) ANGER This could be directed at our loved one, for leaving us, causing us pain, anguish, though we know it is not their fault. It could be directed at friends, family members.. objects, the doctor that couldn’t preform a miracle… God….

3) GUILT or BARGAINING. We didn’t say I love you, visit often enough, should have been nicer to them.. seek medical attention sooner… the last conversations was not our best.. we may have said something we now regret. 

 4) DEPRESSION. The sadness settles in, the regrets at what they will miss.. what we will miss.

 5) ACCEPTANCE We don’t always reach this stage. It doesn’t mean we are happy now, back to normal… only that we have moved on somewhat.  We are not now OK with our loss. We never will be. We slowly move on, trying to enjoy life again. As our departed one would want. We have more good days than bad days. But we remember. We try not to feel bad about going on. 

***************

Grief is a personal thing, you will deal with it in your own way, at your own time. It is unique, just as you are. You may jump back and forth on the stages, and meld them. It isn’t science, you may experience other stages as well. 

Coping with loss is a very  deep  experience, one that is personal. You will go through many emotions, no one can help you make it easy, or understand what you are going through. Try not to bottle it up, it is normal, let it out… heal

How to cope? 

Don’t hold your feelings in, talk about them, with friends, family. It isn’t a taboo you know. They are still with you in your hearts, don’t hide them away.

Enlarge a favorite photograph and frame it, or build a scrap book of memories. Or do this for someone that is sharing your loss, perhaps make one for each of you. Share some tears… some memories.. grow from it.

Writing is a great tool, write a journal/blog/log or diary. Write of things you did, remember or what you are doing now. Write them a letter. Don’t hold back, let it all out. If you are angry, tell them. Share something happy that you wish they could see.

There are many more things to ease or comfort you. But move on, it is what they would want. Try not to feel guilt at experiencing a laugh, or enjoying a meal or movie… a book or playing cards.

Anniversaries are hard, those dates in time. They haunt, try to spend them with friends or family members that are sharing the loss too.

Don’t be afraid of hugs, or the emotions they may stir.

Try not to withdraw. And take care of yourself, eat properly. If you are now alone  this is something that is so hard to do. But you must, they would want you to.

 I am sorry if you are reading this now, because you have just lost someone. *soft hugs* Be strong please. Try a little smile, remember them. You can speak to them in your head, feel them there.  Let them go.. but not completely, keep their memories, their love.

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About sensuousamberville

I am a Practitioner, teacher and student. I think we should always be students, we should keep our minds open, to continue to learn. :-) Now a mother of two little ones.

12 responses »

  1. *hugs you*

    I know you will understand when I say at times this was hard for me to read. But you are right … and today I will work on my Yum page more…

    Reply
  2. It is important. Moving forward, but keeping them in you, a part of you. Not forgetting, no, never, but continuing.

    *hugs you too* *S*

    Reply
  3. It was a good post ber. *hugs tight*

    Reply
  4. cgfarmerhayloft

    Having lost my mom just over a month ago I can totally relate to this Blog. I am in the anger stage. I am missing her so very much, we talked almost daily on the phone and I would visit her weekly (1/2 drive) and I went to the house the other day to go through some more items and I looked at her Urn and started to talk to her (as if she was really there) and said “Mom, WHY?, why did you have to die, I wanted to share so many more times”.. glad no one else was around or they may have had me admitted to the Psych Ward lol j/k

    I am very thankful she is not in pain and isn’t suffering but dammit… I MISS HER! There is a huge void in my life and I know in time that void will fade and will be filled with other things.

    I won’t have the Guilt Or Bargaining part as I was fortunate enough to have had a wonderful relationship with my mom and I sat with her daily from the time she was diagnosed to the time of her death (3 weeks) we shared many feelings, shared tears and laughter – many do not get that time 🙂

    Thanks Amber for this Blog I know I have a long road ahead of me yet but am very thankful to good friends both online and r/t. for allowing me to vent and express my feelings so openly

    *HUGS*
    Country Gal

    Reply
    • *hugs you CG* .. knows how much you have gone though and continue to go though. Your mom truly sounded like a fantastic person. She sounds like she did a wonderful job with her daughter…*hugs again*

      Reply
    • I was thinking of you a lot as I wrote it CG, some others as well who have just lost loved ones. I return to the anger stage every once and a while… not for long, more frustrated I think. *shrugs* we are only human, we can be no more, we have feelings… love, it is what makes us who we are. We care.

      I don’t know what is easier, knowing in advance and sharing some precious time, but dealing with so many emotions as you wait for the final day, as you just did with your Mom, or the shock of a sudden passing. Both are so hard, in slightly different ways. I think coming to terms with it, as you did, helps a lot. You had some special time with her, where I suspect you were closer to her than ever before.

      I know you miss her so, and always will. It is ok to talk to her, the doors to the psych ward won’t open for that. *S* *hugs so tight*

      Reply
  5. Amber ~ In the short time I have known you, I have come to trust your judgment and have take your advice to heart. When I read your blogs, whether they are about food stuffs, or being light-hearted, or on the serious side … I find myself in awe of your writings. I have mentioned more than a few times that you seem wiser than your 25 years. Your blogs do inspire me … mostly you inspire me. I am glad to have gotten to know you. I have placed this comment/note on this particular blog because it is one that I felt truly touched me. And for this, and all your other great writings, I am nominating you for the Inspiring Blog Award. Thank you Amber.

    Reply
    • eeepsss.. not 25 yet. grumbles and checks in the mirror for wrinkles….

      awwww, thank you Katie. *hugs*

      Reply
      • Well then damnit…that just means you are even wiser still lol. And … do not bash on wrinkles …*grins and would show you a close up of my face but does not wish to spook you haha*

        Besides, wrinkle rhymes with twinkle…and that must make wrinkles good.

  6. I agree with Katie, you seem ‘wiser’ beyond your years and I love your words.
    I attended a Funeral today and wrote a post, then came onto you site and found this…**tears**

    Reply

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