Bereavement & Anger

Bereavement the sometimes not so silent grieving process when we lose a loved one.

There are stages in the grieving process, 3, 5, 7 steps that circle and change … honestly putting the stages to words doesn’t really matter. Making lists does not matter, we grieve differently. Understanding some steps though can help.

It helps to know that some of the stages are normal and why we may feel differently than what was normal.


This is a stage in the process. We all deal with grief differently. Each loss can be different for us.

Why anger?


Anger happens when we lose control over something. If we break something we may become angry.

If we can’t find a set of keys, we may become angry.

If someone lashes out at us, we may become angry, these are things that we can not control, this loss of control can cause anger in us.

A loss of a loved one is beyond our control, so we often feel anger. This anger can be have no direction. It could just be lurking and flair up often through the day.

We may feel anger at inanimate objects. Or loved ones that left, they left us, we become angry at them. Oh yes we know they did not choose to leave. But we feel anger at any rate. We feel guilty that we are angry at them sometimes too. We may become angry with our selves too.

Grief is complex.

The length or time we grieve…. there is no set time.

We may feel anger at the doctors that did not save them. We may feel anger toward the disease that took them.

Often we may be angry and just not know why. This may worry us too.

We may be so angry that we break down and cry. This is ok.

We become so frustrated, why did this happen to me, we can become angry trying to deal with this.

Frustration and helplessness. A fear of abandonment, these are so a part of grieving, and they can cause intense anger. They are strong feelings and require a strong release, anger provides this for us.

We need to be ok with releasing our anger, if we are religious and when things are good for us, we thank our God, but if we are angry, we can also talk to our God and tell them this. It is ok to be angry with our God.

We can talk to our friends and family, we can tell them how we are angry, we can growl and snarl, we can tell them we are not angry with them, we are just angry. Perhaps though, we are angry with them sometimes too. We explode and lash out, maybe sometimes we even blame them, or don’t understand why they don’t seem to be grieving. We lash out and they lash back, we become more angry, it makes us sad, maybe depressed.

We feel bad later for lashing out, tis good to quietly give hugs and say sorry, it makes us feel better.

We need to release the anger, we can write down what is bothering us, we can blog about it, we can talk to friends, tis good to let it out though, we can try to calm ourselves too. Letting anger build will cause us stress.

Don’t hold anger in, if crying releases it, then cry. There is nothing wrong with tears, they can help release the intense frustration that has built up.

This intense anger, it shows how powerful the loss was, it shows how much you loved them. You see people around you that are continuing with their life, they giggle, they have fun. They may say things to you, things that will upset you, because they don’t know about your loss. This can make your anger surface. Before we lash out, we need to take some deep breaths, as many as it takes to calm down. They are not trying to anger us or hurt us. We should try not to hurt them because we are angry.

This anger will fade, we can not hold it in though. We need to vent it, but in careful ways.

If you can find someone that listens to you, it is good to talk to them about your anger, be specific, not that  you are angry but how, what is making you angry. Yes you had a loss, that is understood, but what is making you angry at that time, let it out. It is not silly to say your bike had a flat and you became angry. Tell them that. Talk it out, it helps. When a nightmare wakes you up and you become angry, talk it out, maybe talk of the nightmare, talking about them can help you understand why you may have had one, why it makes you angry, possibly then it may not return. If that person that is listening to you happens to be a Psychologist… That is great, don’t hold back, don’t feel it is silly, don’t hold it in. It is ok to vent, to release, to talk through the serious things or the silly things that brings your anger forth. 

We very often, as I wrote, become angry with the person that left. We need to remember some of the happier times we spent with them too. The games we played, the bike rides, the vacations, laffing during a TV show, sharing those special looks, those spontaneous hugs, when they were silly or goofy. We need to replace our anger with fond memories. 

Yes those memories hurt, but we smile sometimes too when we peek at them.








About sensuousamberville

I am a Practitioner, teacher and student. I think we should always be students, we should keep our minds open, to continue to learn. :-) Now a mother of two little ones.

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