This is not a movie review

We decided to go out for some fun last night, we were going clubbing but thought we would see a movie first. The Oscars will be handed out this weekend, so it is nice to have seen some of the movies that are nominated. We have seen some of them but of the “bigger ones” we haven’t. So we noticed The Birdman was still playing.

I am always leery of seeing movies that are nominated for best picture. For the past few years… decade… movies that are nominated, seem to be movies that “they” have decided convey a message.. or something.  I do wonder if the critics actually go to see the movies.

Birdman has incredible reviews by the critics. So we picked that one.

*********

We bought our tickets, popcorn, drinks…. some forty to fifty dollars later for two…. we sat down to watch.

Did you know, that most/some theaters, if you do not like the movie, and leave within thirty minutes, will give you a refund?

We left.

After twenty minutes of painful dull meaningless dialogue we decided to go watch snow melt.

So the four of us stood and quietly started down the aisle. Meg whispered we were in time for the refund. Someone in a seat whispered to us… you can get a refund?

HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE THEATER GOT UP  AND LEFT!

I did notice that a lot of the other half were busy… uhm…. coughs.

I checked the reviews again, the critics have given the movie mostly ten stars. Then I read the users reviews……  not quite the same case. Mostly all of them have given the movie one star, I don’t think you can give it zero?

 

some users comments…

“I left feeling that I had wasted two hours of my life”

“‘Birdman’ is the latest overpraised and over-hyped ‘art’ film by the acclaimed director Alejandro González Iñárritu.”

 

“A bunch of very good actors, all wasted in an indulgent pretentious script, and even more indulgent and pretentious directing. the pseudo arts use of a drum soundtrack, the long boring hand held tracking shot, oh look i am doing all this in one take. the absolutely stupid plot, that takes ages to go nowhere, a film where the film maker is saying very loudly and in a very boring way, look how clever i am, why this has been praised by critics is beyond me.”

“Make it stop!”

“So much is wrong with this film that it would take pages to express the disatisfaction. The dialogue is borderline unbearable, making us wish the fictitious “Birdman” strike them dead.”

I created this account for the sole purpose of reviewing this piece of crap”

“Yes, I know – it’s “arty-farty” and if you don’t appreciate the ridiculously long takes then you are a Philistine.

I’m proud to be a Philistine.”

“I kept waiting for something to happen. It didn’t.”

“I kept wondering: “how did they get the camera that was on the roof looking up at the building at night, to then see it in daytime and then slowly go down to the street and backwards through a metal grill and through a window and then…

Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, what was the plot again? Forget the plot. just look at all the long takes and the arty-farty “actoring” going on.

Sometimes I just wish I could sue these people for wasting 2 hours of my life.”

 

Oh, there were some good reviews also, few, and honestly I question that they actually watched the movie, perhaps they were among the small percentage that we left behind… as they were occupied. uhm…. coughs.

psssst, go into the lobby of the theater.  Look at the very large popcorn popper, watch it pop corn for two hours, you will have much more fun.

 

my review?

CRAP, BLECH.

*nods*

 

So, as per my title? This is not a movie review, more a critics review. I go to the theater to be entertained, for a couple hours of diversion, something that will make me cry, smile laugh or nod. If I want to see something artsy or with a message…. I will go to a museum. I highly question that movies like this are nominated for Oscars. Movies that crash into constant gardeners… or garden crashes.. or some such thing. Yawn fests. I don’t like paying forty dollars for a nap. When you the critic review this as a good movie or nominate this for awards, I highly question all of your reviews and talent. Maybe you should park cars instead?

Yes! I am reviewing YOU. Pretentious, Fraudulent, Offensive….

OH I am sorry if that offends you, but your review offends me. We are even, don’t let it happen again, k?

 

tough huh?

 

oh, I didn’t like the movie. In case you didn’t pick up on that. 

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About sensuousamberville

I am a Practitioner, teacher and student. I think we should always be students, we should keep our minds open, to continue to learn. :-)

15 responses »

  1. Oh, I love your not quite a review. You see, I feel the same way. I have not seen Birdman, I don’t intend to and from everything I’ve seen and heard, it is not Oscar worthy. Although Michael Keaton is a fabulous actor. Emma Stone too. Wait! She was in it, right?

    I want to see the Theory of Everything and mostly that one with Benedict Cumberbatch. I do believe both movies are underrated and I just don’t get why it has to be so. American Sniper is supposed to be good, but I don’t know.

    Oh, oh, guess what I’m doing today? I’m going to see the man in the white shirt and his bottom whipping, kick boxing Spy film, The Kingsman. It will not be 50 Shades of Grey, which I understand is awful, and I really don’t want to see 50 shades of anything. I will however watch my Mr Firth, well, he isn’t my Mr Firth, oh okay, sometimes I feel like he is… But … Um, I will enjoy it, I hope.

    Reply
    • The performance by Eddie Redmayne in the Theory of Everything is incredible. It alone is worth the price of admission. I think he should win the Oscar for Best Actor but will not be surprised if it is Michael Keaton in Birdman! (Sorry Amber!)

      Birdman is the perfect movie for those that vote on the Oscars. After all, what could be better than a movie about a Broadway theatre show and most especially one that focuses on the dysfunction, chaos, heartbreak, anguish and insurmountable challenges faced by brave, valiant, struggling actors and actresses on a day-in, day-out basis. Narcissism at its best!

      I understand that Imitation Game is very good but have yet to see it. Hopefully soon!

      Reply
    • Well…. was the movie great? We saw the theory of everything last night. It is very good.

      Reply
  2. Don’t hold back now, are you sure that you didn’t like it? I hated it, that was 20 minutes I will never get back. That this was nominated for the Oscars makes a mockery of them. The only thing duller would perhaps be his acceptance speech. Another 20 minutes I won’t get back…

    lol blech and crap?

    Reply
    • I sense a lot of booing and hissing when we watch the Oscars. I have to look for my ear muffs. This is one more example of that wise saying that applies to the writers of this script… DON’T DO DRUGS.

      Has there ever been a class action law suit for movie goers suing the production companies to get their money back and the lost two hours?

      Perhaps we could set a good example with this movie? To teach them a well earned lesson? The critics should be included in this suit however.

      Reply
    • Blech and crap sum the movie up well. And i did hold back. Lol

      Reply
  3. Actually, thank you for the warning. I do not get to the films as much as I used to–busy. I wondered about this one.
    Indid hear Imitation Game was good, but I do not know if it is still in theaters…actually I am somewhat waiting on the Age of Ultron, but now even these are getting overdone.
    Sigh. Critics. They need to ne held accountable for off reviews. Well said! 🙂

    Reply

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