One More Update

This weekend…. In case anyone stops by…

 

 

Guess to who? or is it whom? drat…. 

 

 

 

IN A DOUBLE CEREMONY 

Too busy for dreams

 

Recently I read a blog post, where the author  had a dream. A dream of the day when her children would… well not be children, I am sure this is something often thought of by parents, when your child takes their plates from the table to the kitchen, hangs up their coat, does their homework, sorts their clothes in the laundry…. well manages to put them in the hamper.  Where you look in their room and it doesn’t look like a puppy was chasing a kitten for a few hours.  Children though, have a very busy schedule and there is often not time for all of these things. There may be a video game that is calling out, or a text to answer. A window to stare out of or a bike to ride. So these dreams are felt by many, I am sure.

I can see that day coming,  where it is a dream for me as well. Maybe.

 

Right now I smile when I see the socks trying to escape the room all by themselves, or the three shoes by the door.. where is the other one?… toothpaste that they promised they put on the toothbrush.. but is on the counter instead or as well?  hmm.

 

Now though, this is all a sign of normalization for me, to see these signs of a child that has a busy schedule. For me this means that our two little ones are acclimating to their abrupt change of life.  That they are not living on eggshells, afraid to do anything wrong in fear of being “sent away”. That they are feeling more  that this is their home now.  They belong.  Then again, it is new for us as well, the sudden onslaught of two little ones in our lives, so these things are a part of it, and sometimes we giggle when we see a tiny hand print on the window or the  tap… still running. I am sure that it won’t take long though, before exasperation replaces giggles. Maybe. 

 

Right now these are good signs. They do try, how long that will last though, I wonder.  They want to impress us, maybe it will form habits? That will last? It will be interesting to see. They see how we do things and are eager to copy, they want things to be right, because they want to stay. There is that fear. We are working all the time to replace that fear with comfort, they are starting to get it. They are starting to understand that they need have no fear of being sent away, they are a part of us now. It is happening, this realization. 

 

We are living on eggshells as well, trying to anticipate foods they will like, when they say blech, it is ok we are learning from each other, avoiding scolding. All that will come, in time. Now we try to show how we do things, ask if they think it is a good way to do something, watch when their little faces scrunch up as they ponder that. We are learning too, I am still sort of sure socks don’t come in packs of three… but I could be mistaken. Maybe it is magic, elves like socks, I remember that from Harry Potter. 

 

Right now I love when I call out… did you brush your teeth and they go ahhhhhhhhhhh. But they go back and do it.   But mommy I was in a hurry.

 

 See? Busy.

 

Our Little girl turned five, we had a series of parties on the weekend. We do celebrate birthdays in a big way, it is our family thing, usually three parties, one for the four of us, now six, one for friends and one for family, the ones that don’t live with us lol. So both of our little ones have seen the party weekends now as they both have had their series of parties. Parties with us. With their new friends and with their new family. Aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents, they have great grand parents now too. They are skyping with their grandparents, sometimes they have two laptops open and two conversations going.  Often a few times a day, it is cute to watch. The grandparents are giving away secrets though. lol.

 

See? too busy to find that missing sock.

 

UPDATE

IT IS AN UPDATE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The update button was flashing on my keyboard.

What, you don’t have one of those?

That is odd. hmmmm. Well mine has been blinking for some time, but I have ignored it. I guess it is true that after a few years many fade away from blogging. I did enjoy it  but it does consume a bit of time, not so much blogging but keeping up with others as well. I still receive notices when a new post is …uhm posted, on someones blog though. But I don’t receive very many notices anymore as most bloggers I followed seem to have drifted away too. 

But an update, in case anyone drifts by and is wondering.

I am still practicing, I am a partner now. We are still loving our home and continue to make improvements, additions, little changes and such. Spring is sort of here, so we are anxious to play outside, planting and expanding our gardens. 

I have my multi engine rating now, so I am still flying when possible. Actually I hope to go up this weekend if the weather forecast improves. sheish. I am becoming annoyed with the soggy mother nature.

We are all doctors now, Jill has been working hard and now has her DBA! We are very proud of her!

On a somewhat larger change to our life style. We opened our home to two foster children a little while ago for an emergency situation. A little boy and a little girl who had no family other than their father.. who was in the hospital. They arrived on a Friday night with very little in the way of belongings and very undernourished, needless to say they were beyond scared and clung together so tightly.  We opened our home and our hearts to these two angels. They were in awe of so many things that children of their age should take for granted. So we spoiled them, cared for them and protected them. We showed them love and support and slowly they emerged from their sheer panic stage they had when they arrived to one of apprehensive comfort while their father fought his battle in the hospital. He unfortunately lost that battle. 

So now a little four year old girl and a five year old boy were alone in the world. Orphans. Our plan of providing care in an emergency situation… well it changed. They were in our hearts now. When we had to tell them their father had passed, our little miss asked nervously what was going to happen to them,  for how long would they stay with us, tears were forming again. I asked both of them what I promised their first day with us, our little mister said that I would keep them safe.  They were trembling in fear again. They always had this fear of abandonment, that this was not going to last. They did not have a fantastic childhood… Now they had experienced love, new clothing, a soft clean bed, two if they wanted, but for now they only wanted the one, toys, a puppy, omg toys, I told you, we spoiled them. There was so much more, we fell in love with them. We were giving them all  they had missed out on. For them it was a fairy tale.

Now they feared it was going to end, how long were they going to stay.

I told her, forever.

Unless they were not happy with us. 

She whispered, forever?

 I smiled and asked her if she would like that, if it would be ok, because we loved them so much.  We really wanted them to join our family. Forever.  He was holding his breath, so was she. Their tears were still wet on their cheeks.

They are very good huggers. They call me mommy. They really never knew their birth mother.  

They have four moms now. They discovered they have aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents now too. 

They will remain in our care, in our love. Forever.

So this is it, my update. I can push the button and send this off.

Haikus for fun

writing haikus fun
grammar not that important
just finish haikus

rhyming can be hard
so it is not always done
deep thought though, is good

it is fun to rhyme
it may take you much more time
you won’t get a dime

so some haikus rhyme
this one doesnt though, tough huh?
write your own, to rhyme

Deepest thoughts visit
minds wander with words written
pictures painted here

contagious writing
focusing minds a great task
with just a few, words

fun can be had too
if you chop a word when need..
of course that is cheat….

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It is not ‘your own’ leave it be

You can change your mind, sometimes that is a good thing to do. An example is when you have an idea to make a song “your own”. Then it is a good idea to change your mind. Unless you are thief and are stealing the song? Then it is yours? I am confused. How  can you take someone else’s song and make it your own with out being a thief? When we used to watch Idol, the judges would often say.. make the song your own.  Then when they did, the judges would say you butchered that song, why do you think you are better than the original artist? What gave you the right to butcher their song? The judges were confusing and often made little sense, so we stopped watching idol.

You can change a light bulb. An idea is often associated with light bulbs, like one getting bright as you have a good idea, when it glows dim does this mean it is a bad idea? You know, like making a song your own? Then it is good to change the light bulb, if it is dim like your idea.

 You can change a diaper, you know, for when it really smells bad. It should be changed then. Nelly funlesstado, (yes I changed your name, I made it my own, see how it works?) Your rendition of O Canada was horrific, it was terrible, it was insulting it was dull it was bad it was CRAP. It was annoying, it annoyed me. You must think you are very special?

Some things, just can not be made “your own”.  A national Anthem is a song of pride, it is a song that lives in peoples hearts. It makes some smile, it makes some sad, it makes hearts fill with pride. 

 

YOU CAN NOT CHANGE IT

YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT YOUR OWN

Please never sing our song again, please never sing again. Practice instead, “May I take your order?”

Perhaps you can make that your own.

 

did I mention that I was annoyed?

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Breakfast of Champions

It is coooold out. Yesterday was our coldest day.. for that date.. in 20 years.

Yay we won… eeeeps.

So we stayed in. We may shop later today, but it is cold out. Still.

So we had breakfast.

What?

It was yummy.

We set it on fire too. There were cheers. It is nice to have a cozy fire when it is cold out…

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A rhyme a rhyme my gold for a rhyme

Anniversaries they come and go,
it is a yearly thing, you know.
Unless you like them each week,
it could be that which you seek?

Once a year is good for me,
I am not too greedy you see.
An anniversary can be so nice it is sought,
or one you would rather have, not.

Not all of them are great,
some you could just hate.
We try not to pay homage to those,
maybe, instead, just write some prose?

A tribute to someone that has passed,
Or something in our memory, which is cast.
We should just try to forget these,
and focus on the ones that do us please.

We can dwell in our past if we desire,
those thorns can form such a brier.
Entangle us in its tangled grip.
deeper in we can slip.

The future is ahead.
look to it instead.
To my blog happy anniversary,
aren’t you glad this rhyme, wasn’t nursery?

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Is it today or yesterday?

WordPress sent me a note last night, quite late too I may add. 

It is my Anniversary!

 

Wooot

 

Four years ago I started my blog, in those days I posted much more often, once or twice a day it seems instead of the once or twice a month I seem to have gravitated to recently.  

But it has been four years.

Now you can all send anniversary gifts to me, I like gold best. What?

oh that is very nice.

This nice too, you know, in case you can’t find any cute A’s

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Maladaptive beliefs and fear of judgment in therapy OR Speed bumps.

Maladaptive beliefs refers to  a term that describes ill formed thinking patterns, mostly negative, behaviour patterns, reaction patterns that may, but not always, have been learned during a traumatic event or childhood. Unsupported irrational thinking or beliefs. False, but accepted by the individual. 

A maladaptive schema clouds self judgment. This can be related to abandonment issues, shame, dependence, vulnerabilities, mistrust and on and on and on..

For a previous post on maladaptive beliefs click here.

In therapy one large stumbling block, is when a patient will conceal information. There are numerous reasons why this could be. Shame, trust, embarrassment, fear, humiliation, there is a long list that becomes more and more technical. 

These are things that cause us to fear that our therapist may judge us if we open up, to reveal. It can also be that the patient does not wish to change what they may be doing.

Or to that speak of it, ratifies it. That it really is a non issue, isn’t it?

There is the fear that they will be judged by their therapist. 

We are quick to self judge and doing so may believe others will do the same of us if information is revealed. 

We are often our harshest critics, our strongest judges of ourselves. As a therapist we are not there to judge but to help you lesson your own critical self judgment. 

In therapy you will often run across something the patient does not wish to discuss, an area of topic or something more specific. An example something more specific is self harm. Both the patient and the therapist may or may not know this is an on going issue, but either way the patient doesn’t wish to talk about it ‘at this time’. They may not really wish to stop practicing self harm or they may find it an embarrassing topic.
This is often because of the fear of being judged. Judged by someone that maybe doesn’t understand, They don’t self harm, so how can they know? Self harm is not understood by most, noses raise, frowns issue, many say ewe or just don’t do that. Easy advice to issue. Just don’t do that.

This can though apply to many issues, “you are not in my place so how can you possibly understand what I go through.” So the patient does not reveal.

It is difficult to provide help, with limited information. Or with a wall that has been built that a patient is unwilling to tear down, or even get close to. Therapy will be never ending when information is withheld or is just wrong.

This fear of being judged is a giant speed bump in therapy. 

Some simple examples, my meds don’t work so I stopped taking them. Perhaps you didn’t mention you drink heavily, or take other narcotics or other meds that you have not revealed. Because this would involve what you feel to be judgment or you have no intention of stopping to drink heavily, so there is no point in admitting that you do.

So to avoid being judged, patients may omit or lie. The patients hope they can receive help and just avoid these areas. Unfortunately those areas are often thorns, sometimes the root of their torment, there is no avoiding some issues unfortunately. 

We don’t take our car into the shop and tell them it goes beep beep boop and then not tell them about the purple smoke that comes out of the dashboard because we want our car to be well again. 

We may lie when we are asked if we are suicidal, because then we fear being placed in an institution for our safety, we don’t want to go there. So we may lie.
A lower self esteem, self worth often contributes to this fear of judgment. A low self esteem is linked to guilt, often this guilt may be associated with past incidents that they blame themselves for. Prime examples are child abuse, sexual assault. The mind can not comprehend how someone can be capable of doing these things, often self blame arises to justify the attackers reasoning. This is when maladaptive beliefs form. This is when it can become quite complex. The fear of judgment from what they may not be revealing may be unjustified. First off the therapist is not going to judge, even though that thought is not believed, second the undisclosed information may be unfounded to some extent, I know this sounds complex and unsorted. Rationality though, is not firm. Clear thinking is not, clear. 

The fear can be powerful too, that discussing the hidden issue, will awaken, and possibly will,  a much too powerful feeling, fear, memory or even an alter. Or cause someone else to suffer, or go to jail. Yes often a patient may be protecting an attacker, living with their attack/s but still protecting them, knowing that to reveal may cause them to be jailed. Working through this with your therapist in a controlled safe environment is the way to peace. 

Judging is a human trait, it is something we do.  A therapist understands, unless they are not worthy, and then you should seek another promptly, judging a patient will be a detriment to therapy. It will create distrust. A therapist will be more aware of this than most and will strive to not show any signs of judgment. But, perhaps there really is no judgment to be made either? Most often, this is the case.

The judgment that is feared, is often not warranted, It may be from maladapted beliefs. Something the therapist will help the patient with, rather than ridiculing them or even judging, as perhaps there is no judgment to make, no ill thoughts, only help.

We can also conceal or lie to impress. We want our therapist to like us, so the truth may be stretched or completely changed to impress. This too becomes complex. Honesty with your therapist will go a long way to your healing. 

There may be other reasons for fearing judgment. Criminal activities being an example. If you tell your therapist, are they going to report you to the authorities? To your partner or parents? The answer too, is not so easy, this varies from place to place, how the laws may protect your privileges, your right to confidentially.

There will be few, if any areas though, that will keep your therapist from taking further action if they fear you are a danger to others or yourself, they have a legal responsibility to take action in that case.

If though, you have gone to the trouble of seeing a therapist, because you have those thoughts. To answer yes, when asked are you suicidal, or not to say I am not fine, when asked how you are. This is going to help you. It may be possible if you answer those questions honestly that more care will be sought for you, it may be possible that, with your therapists help you right that second too, things can turn around and further care in a hospital for example, may not always be needed.

See You have taken the step to seek therapy, to seek help, to feel better, but you have to take the second step too, and reveal with honestly. Speed bumps are for parking lots. Don’t make therapy a parking lot.

 

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Snow Day… ON A FRIDAY!

Well not for us, but for my friends in the warm sunny south, how great is that?

 

eeeeps, well snow is fun, you just ordered too much, sheish.

It is ok though. There will be lots of people out to move it around, pssst there is good money to be made removing snow.

 

Hope everyone giggles, don’t worry it will melt.

before the big storm…

 

after the big storm….

awww, look.

 

planning is everything…. sneaky snow plow drivers plan too much.

Stay safe everyone please.

 

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